When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
