It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
