I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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