so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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