The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
sarcasm needs its own font
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize