Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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