worst night to have a conscience
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
