wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
