my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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