Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
