I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
