I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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