She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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