Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my shit smells like andre
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
