My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
