good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I deserve this hangover.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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