Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
