you would pick up someone in the library
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
