Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
