I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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