I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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