Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize