I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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