fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
