Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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