so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize