"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
