I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
