More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This is the high leading the old right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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