last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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