Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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