I just pynch a tree in the face
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
