I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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