I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
