Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
