Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
