um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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