Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
