i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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