No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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