just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
