Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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