Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
