Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
