In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize