last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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