Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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