She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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