so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
