I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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