Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
