I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
