and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
