the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize