I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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