I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Randomize
