Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
