Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize